have i driven us to this?

we lie belly up in the pool of us.

I am so sick of being sick and tired.

Not being able to breathe or sleep or stay awake.
Tired of taking medications for medications.
Easing the pain but throwing up.
Brittle bones make clicking noises.
It’s quiet.
I can’t feel my hands. I’m tired of these little pills and doctors that talk down to me.
I just want to sleep, sleep endlessly.

i shouldn’t be with anyone
i shouldn’t talk to anyone
i should
not.

I hate who I am when I’m around you. I really do. It’s barely been twenty-four hours and I’m fourteen again. Remember when I used to hide? In size I am far too large to manage the enclosed spaces. I don’t want to go back to then. I’m tired of metaphors and analogies. My head [...]

I don’t want to go anywhere with you. I scorn at the flesh and blood we share, it simmers and jabs at me creating ulcers, animosity and self disdain. You are the illness within me, this parasite consuming, overwhelming. Could you ever possibly understand? I retreat into myself and I am sick to stomach. [...]

IT COULD BE WORSE.

I need to always remember this.
It could be worse.
It may hurt to inhale, to breathe.
But at least I’m breathing.
I may not be able to sleep but
at least I’m not set to permanent sleep.
Not anytime soon.
I may have aching and flaming bones
but at least they aren’t brittle just yet.
At least all my cells are in place,
as far [...]

I wanted to explain to you once, the differences that make the lines between us
but in my flustered state I must have inverted or subtracted or multiplied;
I made an entirely macabre mess. I was never good at mathematics.
In allegories I speak my truths, skimming around it with my spoon,
lapping up the ends and licking to [...]

I need to put this somewhere.

So I can remember where I came from.
How ye tides have changed. Or haven’t. At all.

2004-12-13
imperfection and inadequacy said, “we shall name our child deena.”
i wish i was genetically enhanced.
i’d be perfect. i would have a perfect nose, perfect teeth, perfect
face. perfect body. i would be able to run for hours without tire,
remember [...]

In humble truths, I am very little of a life.

“I can’t walk across campus without being bothered,”
I scoffed to K on the phone, the other day.
“Oh, miss popular, sorry people like you Deena.”
(Except they don’t. They really don’t. I’m just
unfortunately notorious
for stupid reasons on campus.)
While on the phone with her, I’m stopped again.
I try to brush by people, without eye contact.
So in recognition of [...]

i hate this part right now.

i hate this heart right now.